Hayden Confirmation Hearings

Is anyone else thinking ahead to the Michael Hayden confirmation hearings? I love these things, it’s like a Kabuki play. All so stylized and ritualistic, designed to convey impressions of serious people doing serious work, not to actually, say, determine whether the nominee is qualified. In my dreams I imagine it going something like this:

Senator Roberts [Chair of Intelligence Committee]: General Hayden, thank you so much for being here today and for all the help you are going to give us as we struggle with our awesome duty to confirm a new head for the Central Intelligence Agency. And thank you for all your many years of devoted service to this country in the Air Force. Every patriotic (i.e., Republican) American acknowledges our great debt to the service you have already given.

General Hayden [Nominee to head CIA]: Thank you very much Mister Chairman. I’m proud and eager to serve this great country.

Senator Roberts: Now, General, I just have a few questions to begin with and, first I’d like to address the Terrorist Surveillance Program (TSP) that you fine folks over there at NSA put together to protect our great country from the terrorist sympathizers who walk among us (and write for the New York Times). Now my first question is …

General Hayden [interrupting]: Yes sir, your first question is to tell you how many evil terrorist plots TSP has uncovered since 9/11 and I have to say that the answer would surprise you, but it’s classified.

Senator Roberts: How did you know what I was going to ask you?

General Hayden: Well sir, I wanted to do my homework before these hearings, so I went over to NSA headquarters and read the e-mail that you and your staff have exchanged over the last few days as you drafted those questions. I’ve got the final copy here in front of me. See, I’ve got initiative.

Senator Roberts: General, are you telling me that the NSA reads internal Congressional e-mail?

General Hayden: We call it the STARS program, Surveilling Terrorists and Resistors in the Senate.

Senator Roberts: I’m a terrorist or a resistor!?

General Hayden: Oh, no, excuse me, Sir! I misspoke. I’m terribly sorry. Your e-mails and phone calls are collected by the SUQUP program, Senators who Understand that Questions Upset the People. The level of surveillance is much lower in SUQUP than STARS. All e-mails and phone calls of Senators in STARS are delivered daily to the Vice President’s Office. For noble, patriotic Senators, like yourself, in SUQUP, we deliver only a weekly summary to the VP Office.

Senator Roberts [stunned]: You intercept and read my e-mail?

General Hayden [also stunned]: You guys didn’t know this? …

General Hayden: … Whoops. …

General Hayden: Hey, let’s not tell Dick Cheney this came up, OK?


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